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Oubliette

December 19, 2010 Leave a comment

So.

The doctor said the only thing he can suggest I do is to start taking something like Phenelzine or something stronger but I need to be monitored closely.

The therapist said she’s sorry she couldn’t help me but our allotted time is up. She is going to make some phone calls and speak to some people because one session a week is not enough and I need something more intensive.

Thats plus that sounds like hospital to me.

Hospital.

If I go in this time, I don’t know if I’ll come back out. I’m scared because I have this strong feeling that it may be a kill or cure situation.

I don’t like talking about being in hospital. Some parts I don’t actually remember, some parts I remember too vividly and some parts I remember because they were actually FUN. The food is never good though.

I’m distracting myself. Not sure where I’m going with writing this. Just kind of getting my thoughts out, I suppose.

I met someone. She’s not on the other side of the world, but she’s far enough away that I don’t get to see her. Doesn’t help that my car died on me just this side of London a few weeks ago either. She is kind and funny and beautiful and the right kind of dirty and she gets me. I think about her when some music plays, when I watched Scary Movie 2 last night, when I play with my broken mobile phone. She has been knocked and bruised as much as me and she knows how I’m hurting. I want to be better. I want to be a better man for her. She deserves a whole man.

But I pushed her away. Partly for her sake – because it would make it easier for her to walk away from me. Partly because (as my therapist tells me) I do it to punish myself because I feel like I don’t deserve to have someone as good as her in my life to make me feel… Special… Wanted… Good… Normal – like you.

Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know. I miss her. I miss me.

Do I go in, do I stay out and try on my own? It worked for a while last time, but then stuff happened to fuck with me again.

Kill or cure. Kill or cure.

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Categories: Uncategorized