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This Time Last Year

This time last year, I was waking up in my old car in a pub car park somewhere in Worcestershire.

I had slept in the car, not through homelessness for once, but because I was frightened my snoring would put off my new friends and because I had to get SOME sleep, even if it was a little.

This time last year I made new friends through a rough, oft-broken website called Twitter. We were brought together by words, held together by love and now? Now I don’t know. In the past year, I have grown apart from some of these people, gotten closer to a few, gotten very close and then lost one recently through nothing more than my own stupidity and jealousy. A couple of these people scare me because they may lose each other and that would break my heart as much as losing my love broke me.

Yes, In the same past year, I have gained a new love, she was a symbol of hope and of a future I did not think I could have. I lost her too. I also lost my mind, but these things are not connected.

I don’t know where I am now. I am sat waiting to leave to visit my mother for her birthday. She does not know I am coming. We argued over my own birthday. In the past month I turned 30. I celebrated it alone, because I didn’t know how else to do it.

I am lost again. Not lost in the funny car-trip way I laugh and cry to reminisce, but lost in a directional sense. I can’t see any landmarks or beacons, no familiar ground except that which I already have walked over many times.

This time last year, I had that direction. This time last month I had that direction. I am only *so* strong. There are only so many knock-backs you can take before the brave smile becomes a beaten grimace.

I don’t know how to find the things I have lost. Some I can never have back, I know this, but it does not make it easier. I thought that the passing of time was supposed to heal wounds, but some still hurt. Hurt more than I would have thought possible. Some times I am reminded by sharp, heavy stabs and others it sneaks up on me and the sadness creeps in like the tide.

This time last year, I was happy. Happy and proud and hopeful. This time, right now. I am lost.

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  1. Tara
    August 1, 2010 at 18:00

    oh hunnie don’t disappear on us ,i worry about you when you go x

  2. Kitty
    August 1, 2010 at 20:19

    I just want to tell you I understand. I understand probably more than you could ever know that I understand. That sounds wankified. But it’s true and there’s no other way to say it.

    There is also no real point me trying to give any useful advice as I don’t know the answers to give.

    But anyhow. You do know where I am if you need me. For what it is worth. Sending a lot of hugs.

    Me xx

  3. Sharon
    August 2, 2010 at 22:50

    I’m really sorry to read that. Haven’t really got the words at the moment to say any more. Don’t be a stranger. x

  4. Gray
    August 2, 2010 at 23:06

    You know where I am. Get in touch mate. Come and stay at mine for a while. Play on my PS3. Play on my underused Xbox. Cook me some nice food. I have a spare room. And a cat.


    • Christina Broughton
      December 26, 2011 at 20:58

      I know you posted this over a year ago, but has anyone heard from Richard? I’m worried :-/

  5. August 3, 2010 at 11:47

    I’ve had ups and downs and lost my way in the past year too. Twitter has been part of it. Excuse people who have made you feel like this, they are human, and daft and weak at times, but they or others will be strong for you if you ask them. Sounds cryptic but I hope you know what I mean.

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