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head to screen

I take things personally. I let things get to me.

I am full of clichés. I do the fabulous drama queen online exit, I am the person who is quick to anger, I am the ‘he’ in the saying that ‘he does not suffer fools gladly’ too.

I ran off in a big huffy huff, because I was hurt. Do you ever make harsh jokes between friends? Ever try to out-do each other in wars of insults? We call this snarking and I use to be involved in a great deal of snarking, but my favourite snarkpartner is no longer around so I try to make do with whomsoever is available. I made one of these snark attacks recently on Twitter and instead of a snarky reply, I got nothing. Instead there was one of those blank passive/aggressive statements made out to everybody, but it actually aimed at one person. Then I was unfollowed. Then I was blocked.

At first I was amused by this, it was mildly incredulous – I could not believe it was actually happening to be honest. When it sunk in, I was actually upset, because I liked the occasional talks to this person and I liked to read the things they produced too. So when I went back to their stream, to try and turn things around, I read a sly back-hander which should have stung me like a pin-prick, but instead it burned me like a deep cut. It was personal and aimed and touched an old, sore wound and that was the precise moment the toys flew out the pram.

I made the big dramatic statement: changing my profile, the ‘fuck you’ message, and shut the laptop down. It was a stupid knee-jerk reaction, but my emotions have always had the better of me. Some people might say that I can be aloof, cold or distant. Well, they might be right. I don’t really have any middle gears, so if I am over-emotional and get called out for it, instead of trying to balance it – I go to the far side and try and be detached and controlled. Of course this fails, because the next person then has a problem with me being like that so it is a vicious circle. I know that I am the only person who can get me out of the circle and I have to do something about it so I stop acting like this. It is flattering when people say to me ‘why should you?’ or ‘what is normal anyway?’ but I want to be able to cut down the impulsive actions in certain situations – not all of them, naturally just some.

I called this post ‘head to screen’ because sometimes the only way I can get things right in my own head is to see it out on the screen in front of me. Instead of the words and feeling whirring around in my crazy noggin, they come out here in to some kind of sense and it feels such a relief to get them out. I write things like this for me. Not for you. I just put them here so you can read them. They’re not really that interesting to the outsider, I know. I’m not discovering anything, not making any sort of profound statement, if anything I’m just having a bit of a whinge and trying to excuse a big attack of the strop.

Anyway, I know I should rise above such things. I went back to Twitter many hours later and found lots of encouraging messages from people and to them I say thank you. Your kind words are always a comfort but it is the actual fact that you take the time out to say them that means more.

Like I say, I take things personally, I let things get to me. The good stuff and the bad.

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Categories: Head2Screen Tags: , , ,
  1. Brady
    June 4, 2010 at 05:50

    Enjoyed your writing. Looks like you are or are becoming self aware. It seems to me that most if not all positive change is rooted in selfawareness. The book the Four Agreements has some interesting thoughts about taking things personally.

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