Progress and Regress

Just when you think you might be getting somewhere, something happens to knock you on your ass and sets you back even further than you were before. It’s… stupid, I suppose is a good word for it. I was supposed to start work in a kitchen today. Yep, back to being a chef. I got my chef whites out of the cupboard and everything, had a shave, was all set to go. Then it came to this morning and I froze up. I couldn’t leave the fucking house. I managed to get to the front door and I was almost paralyzed. Well, I could move enough to turn right around and run into the bathroom to throw up. I tried again, resolved this time not to let this guy down and get my arse back in the game. I failed again. I was a wreck, a stupid little ball of a fatman laying in the hall, crying. One step forward and two steps back. Yeah, so it appears that I’m NOT going to be working in pubs or restaurants ever again. I’ve worked recently for a spice company; selling herbs, spices, chutneys, dried…things at county shows and food festivals. However it is only a part-time job because they are based on the other side of the country and only do mail order or these shows. It was actually great fun. I got to laugh and schmooze – sold a lot of herbs, even managed to use my superhuman cookery skills to tell people how to use them. (Because they like to try and use the excuse that “I’d buy more if I knew what to do with them”) Unfortunately, when it comes to the business I grew up in and have been working in for roughly 15 years, I can’t do it. I thought this would be good because I knew the manager, he’s a nice guy and we’ve known each other a few years so I thought there would be less pressure and angst, but for fuck’s sake. I’ve not had an anxiety attack in what? 18 months? So here we are. This raises all kinds of issues, because now what the hell do I do next? Are my skills transferable? What the hell can I do for a living next? Anyone have any ideas, please let me know. Also, I was planning on this post being a dramatic return to the much-neglected blog, with promises of fun and frolics to go with the fantastic news of me being at work today so double-fail. bah.